Thursday, December 22, 2011

I need some snow...or something

December 22nd....

I should be feeling all ho ho ho and jingle bells and searching for mistle toe. Instead, I'm feeling a bit wrathy. Is that a word? If not, I just made it my word. 

It's not really the typical everyone-feels-it Christmas stress. Though, I'm sure that is playing a roll. It's a culmination of things all piled into one and I thought surely I was going to crack this morning.  Let's see.....  one of my boys  is sick.  He's 10. That just makes me sad. It's Christmastime and there's fun to be had!!!  He missed the last day before vacation because of a high fever.  Poor baby. As a result, we cancelled a nice evening with our best friends ( a whole family) for fear of infecting them and overdoing it for Tommy. It was the right thing to do. But now, my table is covered in it's prettiest Christmas coverings, an 8 lb roast is waiting to be carved and wasted because it's far too big and my kids are all very sad.  Yesterday was my last day of the week to work and be productive.  I worked start to finish on Monday. Tuesday I had Christmas errands and a swim lesson. Wednesday was my day. I had a teeny tiny workout planned and oodles of time to get things Done before the kids have school vacation for 11 days and then I leave on a 6 day trip. Instead, at 10a.m. the texts from school started buzzing. Early dismissal. 11:30. Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!   ( possible ice storm...didn't really happen until around 4-5 p.m.... just sayin...but hey! They were in the school for 2.5 hours so that counts as a full day of learning! Huh? Really? and how is that best for our kids??  Don't get me started...remember, I'm wrathy.)
deep breath.
So....that was that.  All productivity and final Christmas shopping and secret planning and prepping ended as of 11:15 Wed morning. 
I try, but I am not a go with the flow kinda girl. So a mini panic attack ensued. 
You see, I plan. I have every hour planned out most weeks. This week, I had to toss it all away. and since it's Christmas week, and it's crunch time, this was not the week for losing 1.5 days you thought you had to be working!!!

You'd think as a mom of 3 I'd be better at spontaneity. Nope. It's just not me.

Perhaps it's my new role. I'm no longer a stay home mom. I"m a stay home mom that works from home. And, it's tough. Not only are my hours available to work completely unreliable ( read above paragraph) but many people seem to not count working from home as actually working.  Perhaps that's just my perception.

Early this morning, once the other two were off to school,  I was over it. I was enjoying my 1:1 time with Tommy even if the poor guy was sick. It's nice to be able to talk to my kids in peace once in a while. The Christmas trees are beautiful. We're all going to be together all weekend. I feel very lucky.

But more things keep surfacing around the perimeter that are ticking me off.  They are completely unrelated to Christmas. They are unrelated to family. They are situations that have been handled unprofessionally and with ulterior motives. And, it upsets me. I need to let it go. if I could, you know I would if I could I would, let it go.....

I love Christmas. I love everything about it. My children aren't greedy or asking for things that are too expensive or hard to find. They write nice letters to Santa and ask how the Reindeer are this year and if he's feeling good as he gets ready for the big night. We decorate the house with lights and wreaths and santas and nativity scenes. We sing songs and bake cookies.  But woah..............I Do feel the pressure to make sure I do all those things and continue to make nice memories for them! I have fear that I'll forget something that is a favorite of theirs or just run out of time.

I know I know....I put too much pressure on myself.
This shot of my guys goofing off in Hawaii......that's what it's all about. Those smiles. That's all I care about seeing for the next 3 days.  ( ok, longer that that but I'm going to focus on this holiday weekend right now.)

My mission is to LET GO all the other junk that's bothering me. Forget it all. Turn it all off.  By morning, Tommy will be ready to rock. Nobody else will be sick. We'll go caroling with the neighborhood parties, we'll wrap presents, eat that giant roast, make Santa's cookies, go to mass, and then welcome my awesome family here on Sunday! Truly, it is a wonderful sparkly time of year with great memories to be made. 

There....the thereapeutic write about it post let allows me to get all those abstracts problems off my chest, onto paper so I Can LET IT GO!

oh Hmm... here and there! I'm swimming a bit, running and biking too!! But it's still December and after a double Ironman season, I'm not overly stressed about any of that SBR stuff yet. But it's coming along and 2012 is going to be Fun!!!


Now....where IS that mistle toe???


Pedergraham said...

Ange, I am not a religious person, and have never been to AA or any 12 step program, but whenever I start to feel the stress, my half Irish, half Danish husband always reminds me:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

It helps...of course, he also recommends a shot of Irish whiskey and a nice cold Carlsberg.

I hope that health returns to your home soon, and I love the image of all you Bancrofts enjoying the holiday season through singing. (Lelia plays the violin, but Andrew's voice is so deep that there is not much they can sing/play together.). Have a wonderful weekend with all your boys.

Mary IronMatron said...

OH, Ange. I want to fly up to your house and just drink a vat of wine with you! You know I get it.
You are the best mom ever and you make Christmas so so special for those guys. You do. It'll be perfect, and all that other stuff... is just stupid stuff.

Jennifer Harrison said...

Merry Christmas Ange! I hear you so much....we were all so sick here...FLU with vomit/D while Jerome's parents were here...cold, cough flu all week - Kids are off school this whole week...I hear you.

And, I was too sick to worry about anything else. Sometimes that is a blessing in disguise. So, don't worry about anything BUT your boys and Xmas.

And, the whole working from home thing x 2. Don't get me started. I can write a book. Seriously!