I feel like a fairly confident person.
I believe in myself.
I do know I work hard to do things "right." Whatever that is...
And I try Very hard not to be selfish. I mean, is it Possible to be selfish when you are raising children?
I work hard to be a good wife, a good Mom, a good friend, a good daughter, and a good sister.
I have nothing but the best intentions for these things.
Of course, we all have our moments. We all make mistakes. Let's all remember that song, "Everyone makes mistakes oh yes they do" I believe it was from Sesame Street...about 100 years ago. My Mom used to sing it to me. My 7 yo son brought it up at dinner last night! I can't remember what he did...but he quickly reminded us that Grammie sings that to them when they're at her house. hmmm, wonder what they do to provoke that little tune from her. All I ever hear are raving reports of their "perfect" behavior. Off on a tangent there....
Ok, where am I going with this?
Why do I continue to feel the need to justify my training/racing with those outside the sport?
People out there seem to really question me and the time I spend running, biking, and swimming.
Here's where my confidence fizzles.
I can't tell if they're "impressed" or "disgusted."
Do they wish they could do it too or do they think I MUST be depriving my family from quality Mom/wife time?
My alarm rarely goes off after 5 a.m. Even on the weekends. Today is my birthday after all and I was up at 4:45 and I am still doing laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, and nursing a sick little boy. I am not selfish. I don't think....
" I don't know how you do it. I mean, you do have a really young family. How do you get all the housework done? How do you take care of everything else?"
I just....do. I just do.
Was that a criticism I just heard? Or a compliment? Tell me. Which was it? Cause right now I feel like a shmuck. Or do I feel proud of myself?
Stick me on a starting block or in the front of a pack at a triathlon start and I feel like superwoman. I am strong, confident, sure of myself.
Question my mothering and I wither into a puddle.
Why is this?
Maybe it's because I have succeeded in my athletic life but the verdict on my mothering is still out there.
When I am 84 and the kids are 55, 53 and 51, perhaps I'll hear some nice feedback about their childhood or what a supportive, loving Mom I was. Maybe. Please boys? We all wish for this someday. (reminder here....call your Moms. )
I have stepped back from my career to raise these little people.I have a Master's degree in my chosen field and yet I do not even bring a single dollar into this household lately. This is for them..not me. I am here every single day for them. No matter what. And I love it. I am thankful that I can do this. I feel lucky. And I enjoy it.
Is it so bad that I squeeze a few hours out of the day for myself?
I dont' think so. I do think it's ok. There are millions of books written on this topic. On how it's ok, no, it's Critical for Moms to take time for themselves. I do not miss any sporting events, I do not miss family events, but I do miss a lot of sleep. I do scramble to fold the laundry and sometimes...gasp...it does Not get folded!!! It's ok right?
My goal ( one of them of course) for 2009, for my 39th year, is to be more confident about my choices. My husband and I discuss this Ironman plan. We discuss my training. We have made it work for Our family. He knows it is one key part to my happiness. I need to do this stuff. I have always been an athlete and it wont' stop. If it did, I would lose a part of me.
From now on I will not let those naysayers get me down. My kids are happy, well cared for, and their Mom is there for them.
I make a resolution to stop trying to justify myself.