That is how I feel lately. Back and forth between a strong internal toughness and total lack of faith.
My first race is approaching fast. No, it's far from my A race. It's just a race. Just a beginning of the season sprint.
But, you see, I put massive amounts of pressure upon myself. I always have. Once I have shown success in something I feel there is no going back. I don't want to let myself down. I want to live up to other's expectations. You know what though, they probably really don't care.
I hammer through some workouts and feel so fast and strong. It is during those times that I feel ready to rock. I think about my competition and convince myself that I have just as much fight as they do.
Other days I hammer through workouts and think just the opposite. Strangely, I dont' have be having a bad training day to have my moments of doubt. Sometimes this big fog comes over me and I start to think, "who are you kidding?! You can't begin to compete with them." I completely doubt myself.
It really doesn't matter. It's just a race. And I do all this for fun. But for me, a big part of the fun is the competition. I hope I can put up a good fight next week.
Interestingly, I think a big part of the race will be determined in the water. Two of the top women are FAST!!! It's a short race so there won't be much room to play with. Besides that, they're good bikers and runners too. See, the doubt is back. The confidence is gone.
I have to get back in the water and find some more of my "fight."